The Nurse's Uniform
by Ranowa Hikura
Summary: Kakairu. Sick!Kakashi, Iruka, and a nurse's uniform. Oneshot. "I will not hug you until you're better. I don't want to get sick, too!" "But, Tsunade said it wasn't contagious! Not except through bodily fluids-" "Exactly. And everyone knows that a hug with you is asking for molestation."


Inspired entirely by my recent ordeal with bronchitis. And by recent I mean early December. Still experiencing problems with my flute because of it, fuck me. Well… enjoy!

Kakashi had been sick many times in his life.

He'd had allergies, he'd gotten the common cold, the flu, even pneumonia on an ill-fated mission to Snow Country. It was impossible to be twenty-six years old and _not_ have gotten sick multiple times throughout his life.

He'd also been poisoned too many times to count. It was impossible to be a shinobi for nineteen years and not have wound up experiencing the joys of poison.

But he had never, _never_ hated any disease like he hated bronchitis.

Kakashi was the type of person to, when he got sick, he wanted to just _get_ sick so he could get it over with. Not mope about with a stuffy nose and a sore throat for the day, not suffer through stomach cramps for a week, just spend one day in bed with a damn migraine and vomiting his guts up, and then feel fine the next.

Gruesome details aside, that was the one and only reason he could not stand having bronchitis. And planned to _murder_ Gai for giving it to him.

The disease was unlike one he had ever had before. It slunk along with an unhurried pace, throwing one miserable symptom at him for a few days, and just when he'd thought he was getting better, throwing another into his path. He was starting to wonder how many more symptoms the accursed disease could possibly possess. He'd woken with a migraine, which had thoughtfully persisted throughout the entire day, and the next morning, there was no migraine, only a nose that was so congested he had to breathe through his mouth. And then, three days later, just when he'd been out to enjoy being able to breathe again, his nose had started to run. A lot. He'd gone through three masks in fifteen minutes.

It had continued in such a fashion, moving so slowly he wanted to pull his hair out. Nausea, vomiting, fatigue, stomach cramps, sore throat, coughs, loss of appetite- each symptom making an appearance for several days, then disappearing only in the wake of another.

When he had reported for duty on day one, Tsunade had taken one look at him and sent him home. Well, perhaps that was because the closest he had been able to get to saying her name was, 'Hobade-sama'. And, for once, he was rather grateful for forced medical leave, because Kakashi was in no mood to be on a mission today. He hadn't been for the past two and a half weeks.

Kakashi let out a moan of aggravation and rolled uncomfortably onto his side, pulling the blanket with him. This had to be the most unsanitary bed in all of history, considering how much he'd coughed, sneezed, and once, almost damn near threw up on it in the past two weeks. Iruka glanced sympathetically at him from his side of the unsanitary bed, reaching up to feel his forehead. "Fever's going down."

"Liar."

"I am not lying, Kakashi." Iruka smiled helplessly and gestured at the bright orang book lying underneath Kakashi's hand, trying to cheer him up. "Hey, come on. This is better when you felt nauseous every time you looked at an Icha Icha book."

Kakashi's resulting moan was even louder than before and he buried in his head in the pillow. "Oh, Kami. Don't remind me."

"You kept trying to read it, saying it would make you feel better, but every time you even looked at the cover you-"

"Irukaaaaaa. Are you trying to kill me?"

Iruka chuckled and scratched his hair. "Sorry." The comfortable silence remained for a moment before he stood, yawning slightly with a stretch, causing his shirt to ride up a bit. Kakashi pouted when his tan abdomen was once again hidden from view and Iruka huffed. "Don't be like that, Kashi. I haven't seen more of you than that blanket in three days."

"But you've seen my face. Isn't my face pretty enough to make up for that?"

Iruka blushed and looked away. He wanted to say what he was thinking- that yes, it was, and then some- but he had a feeling Kakashi would latch onto the comment and never let him forget it. "Be serious, will you? Anyway, I'm going to go make lunch. How about it? You hungry?"

Kakashi hmmed thoughtfully, rolling onto his back and letting his arm flop over his head. "Eh… actually, yeah. Very."

"Oh. That's good, then. But we'd best stick with something light. Rice?"

He sighed unenthusiastically. "Maa, Iruka… rice is boring."

"Would you prefer tempura?"

Kakashi scowled at him, peeking out from over the edge of the thick blanket, his silver hair mussed and his grey eye petulant. He looked decidedly like a five year old, and if the lump under the quilt hadn't been quite so big, Iruka could've been fooled. He let out a chuckle, prompting Kakashi's frown to deepen.

"Great. Now you're laughing at me. Can't a poor man with bronchitis get a little sympathy? No… all I get is a caretaker who makes fun of me and laughs at me and ogles my face when he thinks I'm not looking. He wouldn't even wear the outfit that I _so_ politely asked him to, even though it would've made me feel better, and-"

"Kakashi!"

"What? It was a nurse's uniform! It's scientifically proven to make very sad, sick patients feel better."

It was Iruka's turn to frown, though he mainly did so because he was trying so hard not to smile. "If scientifically proven means by Jiraiya's perverted idea of research, then yes."

"_See_. It would've made me feel so much better."

"You…" Iruka trailed off and shook his head before lightly pushing Kakashi's sweat-dampened hair out of his eyes. "Just stay in bed and, if you can handle it, _don't_ try to seduce me. You're in no shape to follow through with anything, so you'd really just be started something you couldn't finish."

"Hey!" Kakashi's pout grew more pronounced and he shifted under the blankets. "I could _too_… if I tried…"

Iruka laughed again and patted his shoulder before turning to leave. "Rest," he called over his shoulder.

Kakashi muttered something that sounded distinctly like another attempt to get Iruka back into bed, and he simply smiled broadly, refusing to turn back around.

Rice was simple enough to fix, and Iruka himself wasn't terribly hungry, so rice would have to do for the both of them. Admittedly, Iruka was getting a little tired of it himself, since simply the smell of anything more had turned Kakashi's stomach these past three days, so he'd been living on a strict rice-and-water diet. But, then again, Kakashi hadn't had anything more substantial since he had first woken up with a migraine over two weeks previously, so he didn't really have the right to complain.

Iruka's somewhat bored ruminations were interrupted by the sound of a very loud, very insistent knock on his door.

He groaned.

A few people had come by to check up on the both of them. Sakura had been making sure Kakashi was at least relatively healthy, with Genma and Raidou often dropping by with stories from the mission's room and begging Iruka to come save them from the horror of babysitting his pre-genin classes… but, out of the few repeated visitors there were, he had grown to absolutely despise one and become a bit disgruntled with the other.

The one he despised was a green, youth-obsessed freak of nature who seemed to believe that the only cure for Kakashi's illness was training, training, and more training. Normally, the Copy Nin had simply buried his head deeper in his pillow, as if he stayed very quiet and very still, the beast would become disinterested and wander away. However, after Gai's last visit, when Kakashi had nearly strangled him for passing on bronchitis to him in the first place, Gai had rather wisely decided to keep his distance until Kakashi had recovered.

The visitor that he had become a bit disgruntled with, now on sight, was who was present now.

Perhaps, if _he _just stayed very quiet and still, Naruto wouldn't realize they were home.

"_Iruka-sensei!"_

Or perhaps not.

Iruka opened the door with an aggravated sigh and a finger to his lips, wondering why Naruto hadn't figured it out yet that yelling at the sick was not the best policy. "Shh, Naruto," he chided, even as the blond barreled inside. "He's sleeping."

"No, he's not!" Naruto shook his head emphatically and crossed his arms. "There's no way someone can be sick for so long. He's just being lazy, is all."

Iruka bristled. "Naruto, Kakashi-sensei is not being _lazy_; just because you have had the good fortune to never contract anything worse than a cold doesn't mean that-"

"He just wants to read those perverted books of his and sleep in late! Well, I can't take it anymore! Do you know how horrible it is to train with Team _Gai?!_" He shuddered as if it were the most horrible thing in the world, quickly filling Iruka in on all of the details that he hadn't been planning on asking for. "Tenten treats us all like targets, and no matter how fast we are she just always has more weapons to throw at us, Neji's so self-righteous it's annoying and he's always getting in arguments with Sasuke and Lee likes Sakura-chan too and he's just so _loud_ and _green_ and then Gai-sensei keeps trying to get us to wear his outfit too and can you imagine, Iruka-sensei, _me_ in that outfit?! Sakura-chan would never look at me again! And whenever we try and rest Gai-sensei's always running around telling us to do push ups and it's _ridiculous_, Iruka-sensei, that much training can't be good for you! I don't even have enough time to go to Ichiraku's for lunch and it's so miserable and-"

Naruto and Iruka both ducked, Naruto's rather long-winded and confusing tirade being cut off rather abruptly as a shuriken whirled through the air and buried itself in the wood directly behind Naruto's head. They both turned in direction of the bedroom, where Kakashi yelled out hoarsely.

"Naruto, shut _up!"_

Far from being chastised, the blond actually grew more energized, if that was possible. "_Ha!_ I knew you were faking it, Kaka-sensei!"

Iruka stared, aghast, as his former student bounded back into the bedroom and, by the sound of it, pounced on the bed to attack the man on it. When he cautiously followed Naruto to see just what was going on, he was met with the sight of Naruto crouched over Kakashi, repeatably poking him in the stomach and trying to babble in his ear- trying, and not really succeeding, seeing as Kakashi's ear and the rest of his head were buried underneath a pillow. "Naruto, he tried to kill Gai yesterday, and he was doing the same thing you are. Just as a warning."

Naruto utterly ignored what Iruka had thought was a very thoughtful and polite warning, so he merely shrugged and turned to go continue fixing dinner. "It's your funeral, then," he called over his shoulder.

It was remarkable, Iruka mused, that it was a whole two and a half minutes later when there was a hoarse yell of, "_A Thousand Years of Death!_" from the bedroom, followed by an outraged, indignant squawk. He just shook his head and grinned. Well, Naruto had been asking for it…

He watched as the blond grumpily traipsed out of the bedroom with a very noticeable limp and a sour frown. He met Iruka's steady gaze with a sheepish look and muttered, "I still think he's faking."

Iruka chuckled. "Why don't you go back in there and say that to his face?"

Naruto glanced over his shoulder and shuddered, likely terrified at risking any more agony from Kakashi's endless supply of torturous 'jutsu'. "Tell him that if he's not better by tomorrow, I'll send Sakura-chan over. She'll be able to tell that Sensei's faking."

"Sensei can hear you. And he wants you to know that you are going to _suffer_ for this the moment I'm off leave. S-U-F-F-E-R."

Naruto turned back to the bedroom, earlier fear forgotten- though he was still limping, yelling, "I don't care; I'm not scared of you! You're just being lazy and a loser and-"

"_A Million Years of Tor-"_

"Okay! I'm going, I'm going!" Naruto scrambled out of the room, frantically running away from his sensei, and Iruka heard Kakashi slam the door shut. Naruto glared over his shoulder before he came into the kitchen, shaking his head. "Kakashi-sensei's mean when he's sick."

"Well, he's a bit miserable, yes. But he has every right to be. Don't hold it against him." Iruka's slight smile gave the appearance of being comforting, but, really, he was having a hard time not laughing. "Anyway, the Hokage said he should be getting better soon. Well enough to train you three, anyway. Though I have my suspicions that that's worthy of being treated as at least a B-rank."

"Hey!" Naruto exclaimed, indignant. "We're a good team! We're not annoying or anything; we're the bestest team ever!"

Iruka stopped just short at saying that 'bestest' wasn't really a word and just nodded. "Naruto, actually, I think Kakashi-sensei would feel much better if he could eat some ramen. But, he's not well enough to yet, so why don't you go out and eat some for him?"

Naruto perked up at that. "An order? To go eat ramen? All right! I'm outta here, dattebayo!"

Once the little blond hurricane had left, Iruka checked on his rice before going back to also check up on his likely very annoyed patient. He poked his head into the bedroom and wasn't entirely surprised to see that Kakashi's head was still hidden under three pillows, a mess of silver hair all that was visible. "Kashi?"

Kakashi moaned. "Is he gone now?"

Iruka had to hold back a chuckle. "Yes, he's gone."

Kakashi sighed, visibly relieved. "Thank kami."

Rolling his eyes, Iruka moved forward to sit on his side of the bed, reaching over to rest his hand on the lump under the mass of blankets. "Stop acting like such a baby. You're acting like you were just attacked by an S-class missing nin."

"Naruto's worse," he whined piteously. "Iruka… you're being mean. Here I am, _traumatized_ after being brutally assaulted, and you're making fun of me. _Traumatized_, and _sick_, and if you would just wear that nurse's uniform I'm sure I'd-"

"For the last time, no. If you're well enough to take advantage of that uniform that I will never wear like I know you want me to, then you are certainly well enough to be back at work. And if Genma and Raidou find out that you're well enough to work, but we stayed home anyway, they would _slaughter _me for leaving them alone with my students."

Kakashi sighed at that. He remained buried under the mass of pillows and blankets, but Iruka got the distinct impression that he was rolling his eye. "Maa, your students are frightening."

"Exactly."

Kakashi sighed loudly, and Iruka just smiled before he stood and left, fetching the rice. When he returned, however, two bowls of rice in his hands, he found that Kakashi had wormed out from under all the pillows and blankets and spread out his arms with a distinctly hopeful smile. Then he sneezed.

"I will _not_ hug you until you're better. I don't want to get sick, too!"

"But, Tsunade said it wasn't contagious! Not except through bodily fluids-"

"Ex_actly_. And everyone knows that a hug with you is asking for molestation."

Kakashi pouted. "But, Irukaaaa-"

"_No_. I'll hug you- and more- when you're better. For now, you are staying right there, and you are going to eat lunch, and then you are going to go back to sleep. Okay?"

Kakashi accepted the offered bowl of rice, but his pout only intensified. "You're no fun, Iruka." But he let Iruka reclaim his spot on the bed without any further attempts at groping and started on the bland rice. "Ugh… Promise me that not all food is boring and tasteless."

"I promise, Kashi."

"I don't believe you." He gestured at the rice with an erratic flip of a chopstick. "This is a step above hospital food. Which is a step below prison food, actually."

"What would you know about prison food?"

Kakashi shook his head. "You'd be surprised. Iwa… Mist… they're not too nice to prisoners of war, you know."

Iruka groaned. "Do I have a choice, besides torture stories and you insulting my cooking?"

"No. If I were in a good mood, then maybe you would, but you won't wear the uniform, and you won't even give me a hug. That leaves me feeling very lonely. Lonely, and depressed, and just in an altogether bad mood. Plus, you didn't protect me from being traumatized by Naruto. Therefore, all the negative emotions that would just disappear if you would just _wear that uniform_ remain, and to get rid of them, I must lash out at you."

"If I hug you, will you shut up, eat your rice, and rest?"

Kakashi shook his head firmly. "Nope. Now you've got me all riled up, and I won't settle for anything less than the uniform."

Iruka shot him a look. "Where the hell did you even find that thing, anyway?"

"…Genzzz…"

"What was that? I didn't catch that last part."

"…It's a secret." Kakashi beamed up at him gleefully. "And I'm honor bound not to tell a living soul."

Iruka narrowed his eyes in suspicion. "And, let me guess. I have to wear the damn thing for you to tell me where you got it."

Kakashi nodded cheerfully.

"Fine, fine. I'll wear it."

And just as Kakashi's lips parted in delightful surprise, Iruka shoved a handful of rice into his mouth, then grinned. "Just kidding."

"Mmph."

Iruka chuckled. "Your fault for not eating. But, now, let's see. Unless you just happened to have a nurse's outfit lying around the house- which I wouldn't put past you- you would've had to have got it from someone who's visited, since I know you haven't been out. Sakura, no; she would've killed you for asking. Naruto would've _told_ Sakura, and you'd be just as dead. Gai… mother of god. He probably would've burst into tears and called it a youthful request." They both shuddered at the thought, then Iruka's eyes widened. "Don't tell me… Genma and Raidou?!"

"Did you honestly think it was anyone else?"

Iruka groaned loudly. "No wonder they'e been looking at me like that. Great, Hatake, just great. Do you any idea the comments I'm going to have to put up with my next shift in the mission's room? Plus, Genma can't keep his mouth shut, which means Izumo and Kotetsu will know, and… oh, god, Kakashi, _why._"

"Why what?"

Iruka rolled over and buried his already red face in the pillow, closing his eyes at the horror of the embarrassment he would have to endure. "_Why_ do you have to be friends with a sex fiend like _Genma._ Why are _all your friends_ so _weird?!_"

Kakashi shrugged gleefully. "If I recall correctly, you once said all jounin were crazy. And all my friends are jounin."

"You're worse than crazy. You're insane."

Kakashi beamed.

"It's not something to be proud of."

His smile grew even brighter.

Iruka paused, then leaned down and wrapped his arms around him, letting his head into his shoulder. "There. There, you absolutely insane jounin. It's not the uniform, but will you at least be good and rest n- Kakashi!"

Kakashi glanced up from where he was sucking on his neck with one confused eye, raising a thin eyebrow. "Mmm?"

"What do you think you're doing?!"

"Um… showing you a good time?" At Iruka's look, Kakashi pulled back slightly and shrugged. "What? I told you, you're no fun, Ruru. I was just helping you experience some good, old-fashioned fun."

Iruka sighed, aggravated, and ran a hand through his tangled hair. "You are very, very lucky that you are sick. Because I have no qualms about hitting the healthy, and, right now, you deserve a good-"

"Slap on the ass?"

"_Kakashi!_"

Kakashi's very pitiful sounding sneeze and doe-eyed look was all that stopped Iruka from demonstrating the end of his sentence.

* * *

"Breathe in."

Tsunade nodded quietly, listening intently as her patient complied.

"And… breathe out." She took the stethoscope out of her ears and stepped back, crossing her arms under her generous chest and surveying him with a critical eye. "You're fine. You're not getting anything above a C-rank until that blood test comes back negative, but I don't foresee any problems."

Kakashi sighed, a bit aggravated, even as he pulled his shirt back over his head and stood, stretching slightly. "Healthy enough not to die. That's always fantastic news."

"Stop being so melodramatic, brat. You were never in any danger of dying."

"You say that, yet you don't know what I've been through, Hokage-sama. Between Naruto and Gai, I thought I was going to die."

Tsunade rolled her eyes. "_Anyway_, Kakashi, I'm giving you the all clear to train again. Because it looks like you need it."

That got his attention. "What?"

"You've eaten nothing but the occasional bowl of rice in almost two weeks, and the only exercise you got was the mad dash to the bathroom. You're out of shape and malnourished; muscle mass has decreased some. Not to mention bronchitis messes with your lung capacity; you're going to have to train like hell until you get back into the same shape you were before."

And with that cheerful prognosis, she clapped him on the shoulder and turned to leave. "Ta ta, Kakashi."

And while Kakashi stared after her, Tsunade walked to the door, but stepped on a piece of fabric on her way. Her foot dragged it out from under the bed a bit and she looked down by reflex to see a very thin piece of white cloth. "Huh?" Interested, she bent down to retrieve it.

It was blissfully quiet for three long, wonderful seconds.

'_Hatake Kakashi!_"

Kakashi winced.

The Hokage shoved the nurse's uniform in his face so hard he was thrown back onto the bed. "You perverted son of a bitch, you are _worse than Jiraya!_ There is a _reason_ he can only be treated by male nurses, and that reason is because _he has a nurse fetish and I don't like exposing my staff to threats of molestation!_ Did you ever think that your _thirteen year old student sometimes has to wear that?!"_

Tsunade was so close he could smell the alcohol on her breath, and knowing the Hokage was already a little bit tipsy did nothing to calm him down, considering the uniform was still stuffed into his face. Then again, if she was entirely sober, she probably would've walked out laughing, and Sakura and Shizune both would've slapped him the next time they met.

His miserable ruminations were interrupted when the Hokage decided to rely on a rather innovative procedure to test his reflexes.

When the bed crashed into the wall, the ceiling that was Kakashi's new home trembled, and he decided that he shouldn't say what he had been thinking- _When did thrown furniture become a valid medical test for my reflexes?- _if he would like to stay in one piece. The still furious Hokage turned to leave in a huff, bringing the uniform with her.

Kakashi sighed. He had never even gotten to see Iruka in it.


End file.
